Twelve years of domestic violence at its absolute worst. Constant abuse, control, manipulation, and threats. It had to end some day, some way.
The day we met in October of 1997, I was working at the District Court in Traverse City, Michigan as a Deputy Clerk. It was like most other days with arraignments, sentencings, civil case hearings and the like. People shuffling in and out, everyone taking care of their important business with court appearances, document filings, paying tickets, fines and bonding loved ones out of jail.
I loved my job. It was extremely satisfying and interesting with constant interaction with all walks of life, including people on either end of the judicial spectrum and many in between. Suddenly, there he was. Tall, handsome, and looking so impressive and important in his Michigan State Police uniform with his hat, gun belt and badge. A powerful man who had chosen a profession to serve and protect. He was extremely friendly and upbeat, smiling profusely. Best of all, he, too, was unattached.
What could go wrong? He was like a dream man. We clicked, immediately, and began dating exclusively. But he was not a dream man. He was a nightmare … as I learned over the next twelve years.
Twelve years of enduring domestic violence at its absolute worst. Constant abuse, control, manipulation, and threats. Sadistic sexual deviance and sexual violence. It was only going to end one way: someone would die in our bed and someone would go to prison for murder.
This is my story about domestic violence, resilience, reckoning and survival.
From The Book:
And it was over, just two days after his last violent act. Over for him because he lay bleeding and dead in our bed. Over for me because I had put three bullets in his body from his very own gun. It was the same gun that he had always proudly said was ready to go, “just point and shoot.” Indeed, it had worked exactly like he promised. I pointed it at him as he lay asleep and I shot him.
Obviously, I knew better than to take a life — but that was before. Before him. Before he so blatantly and purposefully decided to use me, control me, dominate me, demean me, target me, intimidate me, shame me, guilt me, belittle me, isolate me, manipulate me, diminish me, disrespect me, degrade me, stalk me, rape me, scar and bruise me as a person, make me live in fear, and insist I become a whore and feel like a whore.
When I met him, I had no idea that his attractive qualities and benefits were intentionally luring me into an ugly, sticky web of abuse. It began slowly, of course, and presented itself very innocently and inconspicuously, but over the years it would play out in the ultimate form of power, control, and authority — full-on domestic violence. Hindsight is 20/20, and for me, a painful procedure. But I realize now, 17 years later, after the trauma and tragedy, that I was completely taken advantage of and preyed upon by a master manipulator, abuser, and outright psychopath.
How did this happen? Confidence and positivity were instilled in me by my loving parents from an exceedingly early age and reinforced throughout my entire life. I grew up in a loving and supportive home, with both parents teaching me, my brother, and my two sisters important life lessons of morals, manners, values, and respect. Most importantly, over and above these values to assist in the navigation of my life, was the gift of belief and confidence in myself and my abilities. My parents taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to, and that with hard work and persistence anything was possible. Carrying these lessons throughout the years of growing up and building relationships made it easy to see the good in people. Love and trust came easily, resulting in solid, life-long unions.
But here I am, writing this book from my prison room. I have been in this Michigan prison, the only prison for women in the entire state, for over six years. This fact is important for you to know at this early point for a couple of reasons: the first being that it is, of course, a huge part of my story. But it is also because after these six years in prison I have finally settled down and, with much thought and reflection, put my experience into some semblance of order and begun to write.
I can’t wait to read your story…
I’m anxious to read this account of Joni & her husband’s relationship (sad but true).
I would like to purchase this book in a hard or paper book. I dont have a kindle. Thanks
Hi Judy,
The paperback should be available on August 11.
Joni we wish you the freedom you deserve to have and peace in your heart !!!!! We know you on two different levels and support you 100%
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 So proud of you, Joni! Love u girl!
Thanks for sharing your story Joni.
As a life long friend of Joni’s I live I’m guilt that I didn’t so more to help her escape her extremely abusive husband.. yes their were signs but as with most abused women she hid in shame. Her abuse was things I could of never even imagine! I have Read her book and she’d many tears even knowing much of the details, but I could not put the book down…. her writing pulled me right in, very proud this book is being published so that it may safe other women, hopefully they will escape their abuser before it ends with a loss of life! Highly recommend this book
So proud of you Joni for telling your story. Can’t wait to read your book.
Sounds a lot like my first marriage.
So dang proud of Joni for painfully writing her horrible story of torture and every form of abuse imaginable!!! I know It was hard for her to go back in her mind and relive her painful abuse but know it was she needed to do! I told Her this happened for a reason and if it’s to help other women see the signs of abuse much earlier into their possible abusive relationships they hopefully can get out much sooner! As knowing much of the abuse by the time I read it I still couldn’t put it down! Joni is a very talented writer & wish her nothing but the very best in the future , she deserves it!!!
So proud of how far you have come Joni!
Let’s not forget a man is dead. Abuse is not a green light to kill someone. The victim I here is not a hero.
You have obviously never been in a situation even remotely like this. Good for you! It would be nice if we could all experience such an ideal existence!
Wow, wow, wow. I couldn’t put this book down. Thank you for sharing your story Joni. I was married to a very abusive man for 13 years who separated me from my family, abused me (mostly emotionally and mentally and sexually, though sometimes physically as well) and pimped me out for 6 years here in London, Ontario, Canada. I felt the same paralysis you describe. There were so many similarities. In particular, the worst thing he did – worse than the gaslighting and the general abuse and the pumping, – was this demand, literally every day, that I ‘enjoy’ myself sexually with other man. He would set up these encounters on the internet. I would do as little as possible; avoid intercourse at all costs and with every ounce of my strength, but if I refused to at least meet with these men, he’d harass me to no end. I’d try to leave but he’d stalk me and make it impossible. He’d dump water on me at night when I tried to sleep if I hadn’t pleased him during the day. When I look back (and after reading your book), I realize that my husband’s fantasy was what is called a cuckold fantasy in sex work, essentially associated with being what is called a ‘subbie’ in the trade, and yet both he and Paul Holbrook were essentially so aggressive! It is a strange thing. There was the high-ranking military official here in Canada who murdered at least one young woman after years of involvement in BDSM (including wearing women’s underwear etc), and I remember thinking at the time (being still with my husband AND working as a sex worker), how strange that a subbie would do that, he’s a subbie after all! But about a year later there was that couple outside Sarnia, Ontario (also members of a BDSM community), who picked up a random stranger and killed her. So my take- away from your book Joni is that BDSM is super bad. I worked with it for years and know first hand how it’s forced implementation in everyday life with one’s partner can be so very, very torturous and excruciating. It WAS like he made you his own personal sex worker EVERY day of your life and EVERY hour at that. Reading your book as a sex worker and as an abused woman, I thought, ‘she should have made hundreds of thousand of dollars for the excruciating work he made her do!’ I’ve never heard of anything like this, even with all my work with paying ‘subbie’ (which I hated by the way, NOTHING is more aversive) though I will say that (in my own life) I’ve always thought that the scenarios my husband made me do for real outside sex work made me far, far and away more angry and more violated than anything I ever did with clients as I was being pimped out.
Joni you are a rock! I couldn’t put your book down! I had to find out if you were ok, how the justice system treated you and I think you should have been let go immediately. I am so sorry this happened to you but it is so important that other women like me feel corroborated by your story; that yes sister, this happened to me too, and we had no choice in the situations in which we found ourselves…
God bless you Joni and thank you for taking the time to write this very detailed and complex memoir. You are a rock sister!